{"id":4465,"date":"2021-10-20T10:13:21","date_gmt":"2021-10-20T08:13:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kouch.com\/?p=4465"},"modified":"2022-07-05T15:59:26","modified_gmt":"2022-07-05T15:59:26","slug":"mike-velo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kouch.com\/mike-velo\/","title":{"rendered":"Xperience Kouchibouguac, my cycling meditation retreat"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\" src=\"https:\/\/kouch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/IMG_2027.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-6803\" srcset=\"https:\/\/kouch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/IMG_2027.jpg 320w, https:\/\/kouch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/IMG_2027-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/kouch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/IMG_2027-16x12.jpg 16w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 320px) 100vw, 320px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">\u201cWe may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.\u201d<br \/>\u2015\u00a0<strong>Gabor Mat\u00e9<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">The deep cushiony leather chair is very comfortable.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that I\u2019m not very comfortable sitting in it.\u00a0 Staring out the window beside me, I notice the vibrancy of the forest outside, a world that I no longer feel part of.\u00a0 I\u2019m stuck in this whole other hazy dimension.\u00a0 This thick fog that just never lifts.\u00a0 Unable to run away anymore.\u00a0 In my own personal purgatory.\u00a0 Motionless.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">My psychologist breaks the silence of my vacant gaze as she reaches out to hand me a pen and some paper.\u00a0 I have come to see her in a desperate attempt to get some help dealing with the fact that my broken brain no longer allows me to ride and race my bike.\u00a0 And without that, to be honest, I don\u2019t really know how to continue to exist anymore.\u00a0 She asks me to list the past traumas in my life so far.\u00a0 My top 5.\u00a0 Or more.\u00a0 Whatever comes up she says.\u00a0 I don\u2019t really get it.\u00a0 What does such a list have to do with my concussion?\u00a0 But I don\u2019t have the energy to reason or argue with her.\u00a0 All that my bruised and battered cerebrum can do is follow her instructions.\u00a0 I start writing.\u00a0 As I gently lay my pen to rest, my distorted focus lands on the dust particles dancing in the bright early winter sun beaming on the wall behind her.\u00a0 The rest of the universe seems to be business as usual.\u00a0 The sun still shines like it always has.\u00a0 Why can\u2019t it brighten my days like it used to?\u00a0 Even these gyrating specks of dust seem more cheerful than I am in this moment.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">How many did you write down?\u00a0 Her words startle me as if I\u2019m lost in a deep trance.\u00a0 I got five.\u00a0 After handing her my list, I look for her reaction as she\u2019s reading it, still trying to figure out how this is supposed to help me accept the reality that I am sinking deeper and deeper into this dark hole as my bikes are gathering dust.\u00a0 She repeats the second one on my list.\u00a0 Sexual abuse. Hearing her say it out loud makes me fidget.\u00a0 This deep cushiony leather chair has suddenly become even more uncomfortable.\u00a0 How can something that happened close to 35 years ago still have so much power over me?\u00a0 Literally only a handful of people know that I am a sexual abuse survivor.\u00a0 My parents.\u00a0 My wife.\u00a0 And a couple of psychologists.\u00a0 This skeleton in my closet.\u00a0 My deepest secret.\u00a0 Always there.\u00a0 This hidden truth.\u00a0 This lie that I keep telling myself over and over.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">For as long as I can remember, bikes have meant freedom to me.\u00a0 Freedom to roam.\u00a0 Freedom to explore.\u00a0 Freedom to feel that in the end everything is going to be OK.\u00a0 Heartfelt freedom.\u00a0 This life-giving freedom that has been taken away from me by this head injury.\u00a0 Maybe its purpose is to shine light on this secret that I have been holding onto for so very long?\u00a0 If the saying \u201cthe truth will set you free\u201d is indeed true, then maybe working on healing my sexual abuse trauma is a first step in reclaiming this lost freedom?\u00a0 Authentic freedom isn\u2019t about half truths.\u00a0 It\u2019s an all or nothing deal.\u00a0 Maybe my broken brain will only be able to fully heal by putting the parts of my fragmented true self back together?\u00a0 Maybe the only way forward is to put an end to this lie and finally rid myself of all this guilt and shame embedded inside of me?\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s time to start embodying my truth and stop living this half-life?\u00a0 Every single thing has changed along with this new cloudy brain chemistry that I am now floating in.\u00a0 I figure all I can do is give in and let it change me.\u00a0 I follow my psychologist\u2019s lead.\u00a0 Let\u2019s do this.\u00a0 As much as I feel like I\u2019ve hit rock bottom, strangely I feel like I\u2019m finally ready to go there.\u00a0 I\u2019m all in.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">For the next two years, every three or four weeks, I sit in this deep cushiony leather chair.\u00a0 Revisiting the past.\u00a0 Shedding these timeworn tears.\u00a0 Kicking.\u00a0 Screaming.\u00a0 Recalling.\u00a0 Feeling.\u00a0 The chair doesn\u2019t change, but somehow it slowly becomes more and more comfortable.\u00a0 This work isn\u2019t just in this chair.\u00a0 I also begin devouring books that inspire my true essence.\u00a0 I meditate.\u00a0 I practice yoga.\u00a0 I start journaling.\u00a0 And ever so slowly I also get back on my bikes again.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure how, but verbalizing the details of my sexual abuse in a safe setting enables me to let go of the emotions attached to it.\u00a0 Psychotherapy somehow lets the buried and denied parts of me born from this trauma come up to the surface.\u00a0 The bulk of each appointment isn\u2019t about my concussion even though the symptoms continue to linger.\u00a0 It\u2019s about revisiting these traumatic events, allowing myself to feel what I wasn\u2019t equipped to feel when it happened and mourning what was lost.\u00a0 The more I open up, the more healing momentum I create.\u00a0 Unblocked from my past, breaking free from these shackles, so much positive energy now flowing without any resistance.\u00a0 The physical healing of my injured brain fueled by all the emotional work that I am doing.\u00a0 Being healthy isn\u2019t just about getting enough exercise and eating the right foods.\u00a0 It\u2019s also about our bodies being in balance with our psyche and our emotions.\u00a0 This equilibrium is the key.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">Fast forward five years later to 2021, my physical brain has mostly healed.\u00a0 I can ride my bike comfortably again without any post-concussion symptoms.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not the same person that I was before my accident.\u00a0 I\u2019m more content.\u00a0 I\u2019m more at peace.\u00a0 I\u2019m more true.\u00a0 And I\u2019ve become very comfortable being alone.\u00a0 So comfortable, that I crave it.\u00a0 Alone on my bike.\u00a0 Alone in nature.\u00a0 I\u2019ve really come to enjoy my own company.\u00a0 One of my basic needs.\u00a0 As September expires into October, I load my bikes and gear into my truck and head north.\u00a0 This XperienceKouchibouguac cabin providing the amenities to enable me to host my own private gravel cycling meditation retreat.\u00a0 The national park trails leading directly into the parking lot of the cabin complex.\u00a0 Three days.\u00a0 Two nights.\u00a0 And three amazing rides as well as a few hikes.\u00a0 Something about the vibrancy and stillness of the forest that reawakens the life breath inside of me.\u00a0 This cool moist air.\u00a0 Purifying.\u00a0 These forest trees.\u00a0 Mesmerizing.\u00a0 No hidden agenda.\u00a0 Simply living fully in the moment.\u00a0 Pedaling through this protected forest, I ponder how far I\u2019ve come since first sitting in that deep cushiony leather chair.\u00a0 How did I get here?\u00a0 The truth is that I was never the lone occupant of that seat.\u00a0 The young greasy-haired na\u00efve teenager in me was also there, sitting right next to me.\u00a0 My inner child.\u00a0 He needed to be there.\u00a0 He needed to finally be heard.\u00a0 He needed to finally be held and hugged so very tight.\u00a0 He needed to be healed in order for me to become whole.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: JUSTIFY;\">Every single one of my life experiences live inside of me.\u00a0 Every single one of my former selves make me who I am.\u00a0 And they accompany me everywhere I go.\u00a0 At work.\u00a0 At home.\u00a0 And on each and every one of my bike rides.\u00a0 Befriending, supporting and nurturing every single one of them is how I continue to heal and live a full life.\u00a0 Comfortably by myself.\u00a0 Peacefully alone but never lonely.\u00a0 Reassured and comforted by all of my former selves.\u00a0 That\u2019s why this work is so important.\u00a0 My life\u2019s work.\u00a0 My longing to reach my expiry date empty.\u00a0 Nothing to hide.\u00a0 Nothing more to say.\u00a0 Nothing more to do.\u00a0 Nothing to let go of.\u00a0 We are the only ones that can save ourselves.\u00a0 It took me a while to understand this, but once I did, everything changed.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cWe may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.\u201d<br \/>\n\u2015 Gabor Mat\u00e9<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":6803,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"wp_social_preview_title":"","wp_social_preview_description":"","wp_social_preview_image":0,"footnotes":"","_wpscppro_custom_social_share_image":0,"_facebook_share_type":"","_twitter_share_type":"","_linkedin_share_type":"","_pinterest_share_type":"","_linkedin_share_type_page":"","_selected_social_profile":[]},"categories":[141],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Xperience Kouchibouguac, my cycling meditation retreat - Xperience Kouchibouguac<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Xperience Kouchibouguac, my cycling meditation retreat XPERIENCE KOUCHIBOUGUAC Xperience Kouchibouguac Kouchibouguac National Park\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" 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